Maybe that makes a good benchmark if someones trying to sort out the real from the fake. Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. As I recovered from the depression we had a couple of myob talks about lunch time menus, weight and health (soup was a bit of a red herring here). I personally believe strongly that relationships work best when your partner loves you and likes you as you are now, while also supporting you growing and changing to become the version of yourself you aspire to be. Sometimes its not that he doesnt want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now. We both loved science fiction. Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. Being supportive is hard. Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. In leechspeak, logical and reasonable mean Whatever I want is logical and reasonable because I want it.. Id make it simpler still: LW, Im not sure if what worked for me would work for you it requires a baseline of respect that your boyfriend seems to lack. Or maybe your boyfriend hasnt really been invested from the beginning and what seemed like an effort on his part was simply because he felt obliged to try since you gave him such strong signals early on. Having a life outside of your relationship is important for both parties. Whats done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary. Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. Thanks for this post, Captain and LW. He assumes you want to understand things as exhaustively as he wants to, so (if you have asked about a thing, like say directions or a computer how-to) he goes ON and ON into tiny details unless you stop him. And from the sound of you, you are taking care of you LIKE A BOSS. Sometimes I clean, sometimes I knit, sometimes I go for a walk, but I feel like the fastest way to undermine him is to should at him. Seriously. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. LW, if you feel like this isnt the most useful idea for you, thats okay. The difference between this dude and the dudes I know, though, is that when the dudes I know were told to stuff a sock in it because they were coming across all doomy and demanding, they did. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? This means that if you purchase a product through the link, we get a small commission at no cost to you. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? If it does happen though, most times he will cancel on short notice because something came up at work so he couldnt get out of it. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. Getty Images The Redditor wrote: "So I stopped him saying I'd appreciate. There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. 2) Even if being prompted to do things like eat better food, exercise to work off stress etc was beneficial to you..its still wrong and bad to do it without an agreement, ESPECIALLY when the promptee has explicitly asked the other person to not do it. Guys, on the other hand, typically view themselves as weak and incapable if they voice their feelings or lean on other people for help or support. You need to sit down (maybe with your therapist) and make an objective list of all the nice things he is, versus all the things that are hurting you. And thats the thing, I guess. He might not even be aware that his behavior is making an impact on your life or how much it bothers you, so he may need to be brought up to speed. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch.. Im rooting for you, LW, because this was one of the toughest ongoing issues in our relationship for a while, and I had to show him that what works as treatment for some people cant be applied to everyone broadly and without that persons permission. My ex did this. Relax. It doesnt bother me because of how he asks gently, not sternly, the tone he uses, and because the rest of the time he demonstrates how damnably attractive I am to him. You do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc. Much, MUCH kinder and gentler he always phrased things as suggestions, and he would never say that something I said was the stupidest thing Ive ever heard because thats mean and also I would dump him. And whats wrong with your alphabet, here, let me prioritize those letters for you. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. And I have never regretted that decision even once. (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) This is why I only see him in person on a time limited basis and call him on the phone and have been known to hang up on him when he does this kind of policing. I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? Weve broken up now and I think its safe to say were both much, much happier. He isnt saying anything because there are no rules anymore and nothing is official between the two of you. It was exhausting for both of us. This right here: to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard is verbal abuse. "You need to STOP chasing him immediately. I wish Id seen the light a good couple of yeard before I did although I did find I had no guilt whatsoever or any what ifs as I had tried everything. And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. I think a lot of it springs from an idea that partners make decisions together and tackle projects together, and theyve made the mistake of mis categorizing you as a project. Exercise doesnt have to hurt to be effective. And really, your joy is important. So even when your partner needs you all the time, you get to take time and space for yourself. It's no secret that men aren't eager to discuss feelings. TL;DR: I hope you have good progress with your healing, and that either your boyfriend learns to be less of a jerk stat, or that youre in a position to be able to move on/out without him, because you deserve so much more support and respect. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. But I didnt realize just how miserable his misery was making me until it got to the point where I was rolling my eyes at him and dismissing comments (not always out loud, but sometimes) as being stupid or idiotic. It wasnt until a few months of this that I realized just how acutely disrespectful my words and actions were, and it took another few weeks before I finally put together that continuing to live with someone for whom Id lost all respect wasnt doing either one of us any favors. Feelings of shame and guilt. (Weirdly, by giving my anger a physical expression, I think it sticks around LONGER than if I had not worked it out.). . That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. I actually coined the term for him. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. Is Your Anxiety Sabotaging Your Relationship? For those of us with less than optimal upbringings theres this stinger waiting for us as adults. Its hard to figure out what to do and how to do it in a way that supports them and helps them. Heres my own take-away from my therapist: Your thoughts and your feelings are valid and welcome! Took about two years for me to believe that sentence. That stupidest thing Ive ever heard bit set off major alarm bells for me, too. Look, Im sure there are people out there who respond to tough love or whatever bullshit he thinks he is doing, but frankly, Ive never met someone struggling with depression and low self-esteem who did. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. Yes. Cant think of a more clear way to phrase it. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. And if its sunny then thats even better because I may have seasonal affective disorder (working on finding out with doctor) and the bright sunlight is just wonderful for my mood. Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. So I get what it feels like to see your partner unhappy and struggling. Maybe I can step on fewer landmines by keeping it in mind. It sounds like your boyfriend has a dysfunctional relationship with your illness. I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. In other cases, especially if LW and boyfriend are living together or otherwise sharing their lives, LWs actions may affect the boyfriend, and this question would hopefully help him express his needs directly, rather than trying to micromanage LW. The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. It may well be correct that he loves her, and it may well be correct that *part* of his motivation is to help her do what he knows she wants to do. Even when its shaping your thoughts/actions/everythings, its not at all about YOU, your feelings, your hurt, your healing. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. A lot of writing (calling, whatever) to advice people seems to be this. "Boyfriend when i first met him was sweet and full of potential. Some aspects of this sound very similar to my ex. Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition and well being? The specific focus of the boyfriend on LWs food intake and physical exercise is major red flag. It really doesnt feel like he likes you. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. Run. Instead, the predictable (though not inevitable) changes he can make are: 1. He then believes that if you simply were to do the right things then he would get what he wants. At the beginning of the relationship were they curious if you were hanging out with other guys vs. just girls? At a minimum, he is not currently doing the first half. Keep an anger journal to track your feelings, triggers, and management efforts. I have to consciously remind myself sometimes that feelings are allowed because I would like life better if I could reason them away, or at the very least put them in a box labeled This feeling serves X purpose. But this very desire means I know how nonsensical my own brain can be when it comes to why I feel what I feel, so I cant fathom trying to turn that analysis onto someone else as if I know how to solve someone elses feelingsbraincomplex. So people get made to feel that theyre failing if they have the kind of depression that cant be fixed by green leafy vegetables and jogging (or that they must not want to get well if their depression prevents them from having the energy to cook, exercise, or whatever). 4. Do you think you might try that?-level of caretaking from and for a partner, and it sucks to be in either role when you dont know if or when things will get better. Nightengale, Im going to commit this one to memory! When this happens with one of my friends girlfriends I usually catch myself actually being nicer to her. Nope, cant recall this either. These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. You cant be shamed or cajoled into doing those things: it might work for a little while, but unless the changes are self-implemented in a healthy and manageable way, theyre not going to stick. Sounds like my Dad. Really, Im sure it is for someone. And at one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first family on a boardwalk. In retrospect I think that I was correct about her commitment level BUT I still put all the focus on her rather than dealing with my own portion of those concerns and my personal issues. After a week or so of adjusting, you can figure out how you feel on your own. A lot of people who have disabilities end up with serious social problems, at least for a while, as they have to figure out which people will still treat them well and which will cause them problems in all sorts of new ways. That can be so helpful. But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. Tell your boyfriend once that you've noticed that he stopped sending text messages. When I have the house to myself for a few days, I like to use some of the time for cooking experiments. Your current boyfriend sounds a bit like my first one. . I dont know. He graciously said that hed wait for me to get better, which somehow included losing weight, even though I never said anything about that, but continued to be, well, him, which was a self centered twit who wanted a wife, and not actually *me*. Powered by Mai Theme. Honestly its tough. If I turn back to him and say I dont feel like it, hes completely down with that. They're Cold To You And more than. Im not sure if its changing who he is so much as finding out whether hes oblivious and well-meaning or a giant tool. The way to find out is to give him the information that would stop him being oblivious as clearly as possible if he changes his actions he may have been decent all along, if he doesnt then hes conclusively demonstrated jerkitude. But you are in therapy and making efforts to recover, and it doesnt sound like your condition and treatment plan isnt putting their well-being at risk, so that doesnt seem to be happening here. He seems to need to control LW to feel in control of himself, and 2. Its like, I am going to have a short break from the environment that is making me so unhappy. My boyfriend stopped hanging out with me and taking me on dates. I try my best, Im not always great about it, but now when I feel a case of the shoulds coming on, directed at him, I redirect the energy. Beginning of the calling, whatever ) to advice people seems to need to STOP chasing him immediately turn to. Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition well! 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